Harry Potter and the things that never happened
by SimplyUnmistakable
Summary: The Dark Lord, He-who-Must-Not-Be-Named or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Nosed depending on prefferences , the darkest wizard of all times... and the real director of the last Harry Potter movie.


A/N: Okay, so the movie was absolutely awesome and I really have nothing against it. This is just the gathering of thoughts I got, as a reader, while watching it. It isn't much, really, but I just have this feeling of writing it...

So, of course, the castle was all destroyed, but, still, it was a wonderful place to have a walk on, you see. And, of course, there was only Neville walking over there, as a sign of the extremely, foolishly courageous acts that he was going to do. And, you won't ever guess - such a coincidence – just on the path he was walking, there came the Sorting Hat. Neville picked it up, thinking that was really strange and might ruin everything, because the Hat had to come to him flying to him, you know, as a proof of the Gryffindor he was. What to do, really? Throw it? And if it doesn't come back at the precise time and ruin his time of glory?

Well, he couldn't think of that right then, you see, because, just in time, guess who was coming -Voldy and the gang, of course.

Crying, crying, because, after all, there was the Boy Who Lived who had just died. And the moment Neville waited for was just going to come...

"Ahem, ahem, Draco, son, come... please?"

_Damn. Damn. Damn._

"Erm, dad, what the Hell are you doing? You ruined the whole drama of the scene, for God's sake!"

"Yeah, man! Really, this was my time of glory!" Neville came between.

"Now Voldy is gonna hug me! Got that? Hug me! Scariest thing ever, really!"

By his mother's insistences, this time, Draco stepped ahead and got the hideous hug.

_AHH! He touched me! Going to incinerate these clothes... And thinking I'll be some bald-headed_, _old man with white beard in just 19 years... Such a miserable life..._

So slowly, slowly... now really, really slowly, Neville made his way to Voldemort.

"Oh, come on, I have other murders to do, people to torture... You were supposed to run to me, kid!" a bored Voldemort ejaculated.

"Er, yeah, sorry... Could you take some steps forward, too. You know, to have a little less distance between us without having the viewers waiting hours for it?" Neville proposed.

So talking, talking... courage, courage. And Neville took the sword out! Harry got himself off Hagrid's arms, throwing spells around and...

"Wait, you two!" a confused Voldemort yelled, throwing his arms in the air exasperatedly. Everybody stopped from their things to listen to him.

"You, the young ones, always in a hurry... Haven't you heard about timing? You, Logbottom!" he shouted, pointing to Neville. "Where did you take that from, idiot?" he asked, his finger directed to the Sorting Hat, " That was supposed to fly to you! I was supposed to put it on your head, like this...," he talked, while making the demonstration, taking the hat from Neville and putting it on his head, "... and set it on fire," he resumed as flames started burning the hat, making Neville run round and scream, "Oh, come on, won't you get that sword out already?"

"Erm, My Lord, he did that earlier. See?" one of the Death Eaters said shyly, pointing the sword now lying on the ground.

"Really?" a really confused Voldy asked in reply to that, "Then why didn't he kill the snake already?" he questioned then.

The Death Eater just raised his shoulders, getting back to his place in the crowd.

"It must be just your fault then, Potter!" he then turned to Harry, "Why didn't you wait for your friend to kill the snake? It was his moment of braveness, for God's sake!" he told Harry, shaking his head disappointedly.

Most of the Death Eaters and like half of the good ones nodded in agreement.

"Oh, fuck it, why don't we just get to the one-to-one battle already?" Harry rolled his eyes, exasperated.

"Sure, sure!" Voldemort nodded with enthusiasm, "Look, I have a great idea! Now you run and I'll follow you..."

"Wait... Why do I have to run?"

"Shut up, Potter, and listen! So what was I saying...? Oh, right! Just listen: this will be totally awesome! You ran and I come with some random spells after you..."

"But you never use anything but _Avada Kedavra_!" Harry pointed out.

"Potter, won't you shut up already? So... while you're running, I'll hit Longbottom, and then follow you to..."

"Wait! Why hit me?" Neville came between.

"Because I said so!" Voldemort said simply, before getting back to Harry, "So we ran after each other, throwing spells, through more corridors... Oh, and even on staircases! And Nagini comes after me..."

"But how am I supposed to kill the snake?" a truly exasperated Neville yelled.

"Longbottom, I told you to shut up! And, anyways, you'll be passed out by then, remember?"

"That totally sucks...," Neville thrilled off, throwing himself on some rocks, sulky.

"Then, I'll come up with some tentacles... oh, and what about we, with hands at each other's necks, falling off a roof or something, Potter?"

"Er, wouldn't that be dangerous?" Harry stated, a little worried, "I mean, can't we just have a peaceful discussion, walking in circle, before cast a spell and, you know, one of us die, just as the prophecy said...," he proposed, "And, by one of us, I mean preferable you, of course," he added.

"Come on, Potter, who the Hell would pay to see that?" a bored Voldemort commented.

"Me! Harry is totally awesome, no matter what?"

"And you are...?" Voldemort questioned skeptically.

"Colin Creevey, Harry Potter's Nr. 1 fan," the boy answered proudly.

"Weren't you meant to be dead?" someone from the crowd asked.

"Well, yeah... but they decided to not pay attention on such an insignificant death, so no one has seen me dead... which makes me alive, right?" he asked confusedly in the end.

"No," Voldemort replied, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh... I guess I'll find a tower to jump off, then...," Colin concluded, walking awkwardly out the scene.

"So are we doing these or not?" Harry asked after the awkward silence following the previous scene.

"But, Potter, are we doing it as I thought this would be?" Voldemort asked hopefully.

"Fine...," he assured, rolling his eyes.

"And can I wake up or something and kill the snake, though?" Neville was the one to question this time.

"FINE!" Harry yelled with anger, "Can we finally begin?!"

Everyone nodded and took their positions.

_Later..._

"So, now that it all finished, let's have some abnormally ordinary lives," Harry said happily.

"Yes," Ron agreed, delighted.

"Of course, I will marry your sister and have three kids or so... and I will give them awkward names so they would be ashamed to use them in public. Well, at least to my second son, who would, by the way, look just like me – I will give him Snape's name! That would be just epic! Oh, and know what? See this Elder Wand, which is the most powerful of wands? I can't keep it...," Harry stated.

"You're right," Hermione replied and Harry nodded happily, breaking the wand into pieces and throwing them away.

"What the Hell have you done!?" Hermione exclaimed.

"Er, you agreed with no keeping it, so..."

"Well, yeah, but breaking it? You could have done something like... putting it back in Dumbledore's grave or something! It wasn't yours after all, you know..."

_Later..._

_Even later..._

_Like 19 years later..._

Some Potter family appears in the scene, people walking across them without even noticing the Potters, because, you see, it's not like any of them killed the Dark Lord or something..., which takes the chance from Albus to put the "Why are they looking at us?" awkward question and for Ron to make a good joke out of it. In their way there is, of course, the Malfoy family, with Mrs. Malfoy who looks extraordinary young for someone who has a 11 years old child and an already bald-headed, white-bearded Draco, who looks like in his 80s, that, obviously, being the reason for which Ron probably didn't recognize him, so he could make his gorgeous jokes about Scorpius and Rose.

Awkward silence...

"Err, what are we waiting for?" Albus asked.

"Well, son, before me to give you that amazing advice that might make someone cry because of how emotive it is, there should be your older brother coming to tell us Teddy is snogging Victoire or something... and then we could talk about how close is Teddy to our family and what a beautiful life he had, despite being parentless," Harry explained.

"Actually, honey, they cut that scene," Ginny came between, "so won't you just take Albus away and give him the advice. We have one more minute of this movie and it will all end with the train leaving the station, you, me, Hermione and Ron being the only freaks that keep staying here after it is long gone, remember?"

THE END

THE END OF AN ERA, MORE PRECISELY

A/N: One more time, the movie was amazing. I just made this for fun, so no hate reviews or anything like this, please.


End file.
